This paper was written for those who have already read The Feedback Breakthrough and are in the process of implementing its concepts. Paula, Matt, and Beth (the main characters in our books) sometimes make the feedback models and processes look easy. In reality they can be quite challenging. This article offers some suggestions for what you can do if at first you don’t succeed. (Hint: It’s not “try, try, and try again.”)

“It’s not that I’m so smart, it’s just that I
stay with problems longer.”
—Albert Einstein

The most challenging aspect of mastering a new skill lies not in understanding the new concepts but in overcoming the inertia of one’s existing mindsets and habits. Unlearning, not learning, will be the greatest challenge you face in mastering the skills outlined in The Feedback Breakthrough. Furthermore, human nature is complex, and each situation is unique. This means that despite your best efforts, you will sometimes fall short of what you set out to do in a feedback conversation. In this section we will first examine a simple process that has proven to be very effective in helping people master new skills: the after-action review. We will then explore some specific challenges you might encounter as you implement the ideas for receiving and giving the gift of feedback, and tips for addressing those challenges.

The Limits of Persistence

The key to success is often portrayed in this well-known saying:

“If at first you don’t succeed,
try, try, and try again.”

The flaw in this reasoning is made clear in a statement (often misattributed to Einstein) that “insanity is repeating the same actions and expecting a different outcome.”

W.C. Fields offered his own cautionary advice concerning the persistence formula:

“If at first you don’t succeed,
try, try, and try again.
Then quit.
No use being a damn fool about it.”

If you do not want to look like a fool, we recommend a formula that advocates for persistence as well as creative thinking:

“If at first you don’t succeed,
Stop,
Review, Reflect, Revise,
and then try again.”

After-Action Reviews

We recommend that you engage in the following thought process after both successful and unsuccessful feedback experiences:

1. 1. What did I hope to achieve?
   2. What did I actually achieve?
   3. What went well and why? What techniques and principles did I apply well?
   4. What stories did you tell yourself that helped you stay calm and think clearly? What stories did you tell yourself that unleashed the watchdog (i.e., made you emotional) and undermined your ability to communicate clearly?
   5. What words, behaviors, or mindsets made a difference?
   6. What can I improve upon? What words, old habits, or out-dated mindsets got in the way?
   7. What will I do differently next time? What should I stop doing? What should I start doing?
   8. What should I continue doing?

While most after-action reviews are a solo effort, at times it might be helpful to share your answers with a trusted colleague and invite their coaching. Take good notes, and immediately look for ways to implement the lessons learned. The longer you wait, the less likely you will be to implement the changes and grow from your experiences.

Dealing with Specific Challenges

In this section, we are going to give you some ideas for dealing with the specific challenges below:

1. 1. What if I follow these steps and guidelines and my boss still won’t give me helpful feedback?
   2. What if the receiver continues to get defensive despite my best efforts to give helpful feedback?
   3. What if I do not want to (or cannot) do what the feedback giver is proposing?
   4. What if the receiver continues to ignore my feedback and refuses to change?
   5. What if my emotions are derailing my feedback conversations?

1. What if I follow these steps and guidelines and my boss still won’t give me helpful feedback?

Let’s assume you’ve followed all our advice. You have

• asked for “advice” and “help” rather than “feedback,”
• received feedback as a gift regardless of the wrapping, and
• followed through with after-action reviews and implemented the lessons learned.

Let’s also assume that despite your best efforts, your manager either chooses not to give you timely feedback, or continues to give you feedback in a way that is disrespectful or abusive.

If the problem involves abusive feedback, please read our free online paper, How to Deal With Psychological Bullies.

If the problem is the lack of timely feedback, you need to figure out why your manager may be choosing to ignore your need for timely feedback.

Is time the issue? If your manager frequently brushes away your request for feedback with responses such as, “Now is not a good time,” don’t give up. Instead, ask: “When would be a better time?” Then schedule an appointment.

Is your own discomfort with unsolicited advice getting in your way? If you tend to experience high levels of discomfort whenever someone offers you unsolicited advice, others may sense that discomfort and choose to avoid initiating potentially difficult conversations with you. If this is the case, we recommend that you (1) solicit advice from others rather than wait for them to come to you (this puts you in the driver’s seat and is likely to feel less intimidating), (2) focus on soliciting feedforward rather than feedback (accept the challenge below), and (3) read and implement ideas from our free online paper, How to Manage Strong Emotions During Difficult Feedback Conversations.

Is fear of conflict the issue? If you have followed our advice and done so on multiple occasions, and sought out feedforward rather than feedback, and your manager still won’t take the time to give you helpful input, your manager may have a deep-seated fear of conflict. If that is the case, you may have to accept that your manager is not going to change, and you are not responsible for your manager’s psychological hang-ups. That does not mean you have to continue to live in a feedback desert. The truth is, your manager may be less informed about the quality of your work than other people you interact with; internal customers, external customers, and colleagues may be better positioned to give you the feedback you need to grow and reach your goals. Start asking them for feedback.

2. What if the receiver continues to get defensive despite my best efforts to give helpful feedback?

There are two things to keep in mind when people appear to be trapped by their defensive reactions to feedback:

1. Discomfort and its fraternal twin, defensiveness, are perfectly normal reactions to criticism. (See pages 79-98 in The Feedback Breakthrough.)

2. Some defensiveness can serve a useful purpose and should be welcomed by feedback givers. Do not assume that all defensive reactions to feedback are negative. If we take time to understand the cause of someone’s defensiveness, it can open windows to important new information and insights. A direct report who openly disagrees with feedback is preferable to one who goes along to get along. Open disagreement will usually lead to better long-term solutions than indifference and acquiescence will.

Feedback that threatens one’s self-image is often the most difficult for people to accept. If someone cares about something and takes pride in it, unexpected criticism can catch them off guard and provoke a defensive response. Being accused of customer neglect would be the ultimate insult for someone who takes pride in building strong customer relationships. If, rather than tamp down or deflect the defensive response, you seek to understand it, you might gain insights that enable you to reframe your feedback. For example, you might reframe your message to say, “I know that being responsive to customers is something you take great pride in, which is why I wanted to bring this to your attention. Customer care is one of your strengths and I want to help you build on that strength.”

Sometimes the receiver may get defensive because your information is biased, incomplete, or inaccurate. If that is the case, their defensiveness might be legitimate, and if you listen, it may reveal flaws and gaps in your information and provide a more accurate picture of the situation. All of this can lead to a better understanding of the problem at hand and a more appropriate solution.

Humans are hardwired to seek social connection. Social connection is tied to being valued, being respected, and having a good reputation. Corrective feedback can be interpreted as a message that we are no longer respected, thereby threatening our social connection. In an attempt to protect their connection with you, some people will react defensively by explaining themselves and challenging your information or sources. Although this defensive behavior is usually misguided, most brains are programmed to do it automatically.

The next time someone responds defensively to your feedback, don’t overreact. Take it as a compliment; the receiver values their relationship with you and may be trying to preserve it. Do not try to reduce their defensiveness by watering down your feedback. Instead, take some time to affirm the relationship and confirm your respect for and confidence in the receiver.

We need to recognize that two intelligent people in two different roles, looking at the same event, will see things differently. If explored, defensiveness can serve as a stepping-stone to dialogue which will uncover and reconcile differences—leading to superior solutions for both parties. Disagreement need not be a zero-sum game with only one winner and one loser. So the next time someone gets defensive, don’t view it as a negative response; look at it as an invitation to engage in a dialogue that could lead to a more creative and workable solution for both parties. If this does not give you the results you need, take another look at how Beth dealt with defensiveness from some of her team members. (See pages 177-180 of The Feedback Breakthrough.)

If all else fails, consider the approach taken by a senior partner in an international consulting firm:

• I worked with an ambitious salesperson who was having difficulty transitioning into a new role.
  I had tried to give him feedback on several occasions, but he was a master at deflecting criticism.
  After failing to get through to him I decided that I needed to take a very different approach, so I
  wrote him a letter.

• In the letter I reminded him of our previous feedback conversations and some of the unhelpful ways he responded. I then expressed my concern
  about his apparent inability to learn from the feedback that I and some of the other senior
  partners had given him. I explained the critical role that feedback plays in our success, and I
  pointed out how his inability to receive feedback without getting defensive would likely undermine
  his ability to achieve his career goals. I also offered him some tips on helpful ways to respond to hard-to-hear feedback. I conducted by expressing my respect for his past achievements at the firm and my confidence in him.

• I chose to hand him the letter personally, and I set things up so that he would be forced to
  think long and hard about my letter before being able to respond. So I went to his office late on a
  Tuesday afternoon and scheduled an appointment for 10:00 AM that Thursday. I said to him, “On
  Thursday I’d like to talk to you about your career, and the central role of feedback in helping you
  achieve your goals. This letter outlines some of the things we will talk about.” I then handed him
  the letter and left the office.

• I was meeting with clients at their offices the next day, so I knew this salesperson would not
  be able to talk with me for at least 36 hours. He would have lots of time to think about the
  letter, its implications, and the best way to respond to my concerns.

• It worked. When we met he was like a different person. He didn’t deflect. He didn’t explain
  himself. He didn’t challenge my perspective. He just asked questions, listened, and took notes.
  Most importantly, he started to take my feedback to heart and changed his behavior.

3. What if I do not want to (or cannot) do what the feedback giver is proposing?

Notwithstanding everything we have said about always seeking the gift in feedback, you get to choose the best path forward. You may choose to do exactly as the giver has advised because it makes sense to you. Or you may prefer to defer any decision until you have had an opportunity to gather more information and bring others into the conversation. Or you may decide to negotiate with the giver to find a different but mutually agreeable path forward. You may even have to agree to disagree. After you have confirmed the nature and value of the gift in Step 3 of the “Receiving the Gift of Feedback” model (page 57 in The Feedback Breakthrough), tell the giver what you are committed to doing:

• “Meeting your needs and the needs of customers is very important to me, so I’m committed to making this
  right. Would it address your concerns if I were to … (insert your alternative solution)?”

• “My goal is to address your concerns as best I can. You’ve asked me to do X and Y. I’m happy to do X
  because it addresses … Doing Y has some pros and cons. The pros are … The cons are … Given
  that last issue, Y may not be the best solution, so I’d like to propose an alternative. What if I were to
  …?” (Or, “Given that last issue, there is no way for me to do Y, but I’m 100 percent committed to
  doing X. Thanks again for taking the time to bring this to my attention. Starting today, X will be the new
  standard.”)

• “I appreciate you taking the time to share your concerns. You’ve given me a lot to think about, and I need time to meet with my team to figure out a path forward that will meet both Devon’s needs and the needs of my team. I’ll get back to you with a response by Friday. Will that work for you?”—On Friday: “Thanks for bringing me your concerns earlier this week. Since then I’ve met with both Devon and my team, and we’ve come up with a way to address your concerns. Before I get into the details, I’d like to confirm the nature of those concerns. Your first concern is… Did I get that right? … Your second concern is … Did I get that right? … Great. Here are the factors we explored in coming up with our plan. … Given those factors, we think the best way to address those concerns is … What are your thoughts on this approach?”

• “I like your idea about providing our larger customers with options, and I’ll do that. Your
  suggestion about deadlines may be difficult to implement. I need buy-in from all the operators who
  will be affected, so I need to discuss this with them. Can you meet Tuesday morning at 9:00 for a
  follow-up conversation?”

4. What if the receiver continues to ignore my feedback and refuses to change?

Let’s assume you have followed our advice. You have

• used the COINS Model to guide your feedback conversations (pages 95-97 of The Feedback Breakthrough),
• made your expectations abundantly clear,
• focused more on the future rather than the past,
• focused on solutions rather than causes,
• tailored your feedback to the needs, interests, and goals of the receiver,
• talked about impact in ways that are truly meaningful to the receiver,
• used nail-down questions to draw out the receiver’s hidden concerns,
• listened generously to the receiver’s ideas,
• reinforced the receiver’s effort and progress rather than waiting for the perfect performance,
• followed through with after-actions reviews of your own performance, and
• implemented the lessons learned from those after-actions reviews.

Let’s also assume that despite your best efforts, the individual remains uncooperative. If you haven’t already done so, your next step is to seek input from a trusted colleague. Sometimes our frustrations and history with someone can blind us to issues and opportunities that are glaringly obvious to third parties. A fresh set of eyes might provide you with the breakthrough insights you need.

If we know anything about human psychology it’s that individual behavior is driven by self-interest. Even when someone’s behavior appears to be purely altruistic, such as donating money to fight hunger on the opposite side of the globe, the individual likely does so because it will make them feel good (or at least less guilty). And even when an individual does something that appears to be self-destructive, in their mind there is method to what you may perceive as madness.

Given the centrality of self-interest to human motivation, we recommend that you do your utmost to understand others’ interests and priorities. For example, ask people about their proudest accomplishments, work priorities, career aspirations, and feedback preferences. Then use what you learn to be clearer about your intent, and explicitly tie your feedback to the receiver’s self-interests.

If, despite your best efforts to understand the receiver’s self-interest and link your feedback to those interests, the receiver continues to resist your feedback, we recommend you put your cards on the table by using the following four-step process:

1. Briefly summarize the conversation(s) and actions up to this point:

“Garth, last week we talked about how doing this will help you build stronger relationships with the customer—something you’ve always said is important to you.”

2. State your confusion/dilemma/concern:

“Given that what I am asking you to do is—as far as I know—aligned with your goals and interests, it’s puzzling to me why you’re choosing not to act in your own best interests.”

3. Ask a pointed question:

• “What am I missing? What are you not telling me?”
• “Help me understand how inaction on this is in your best interests?”
• “What’s your real concern with doing this?”

4. Be quiet. Give the receiver a chance to come clean. Don’t undermine yourself by breaking the uncomfortable silence.

(On pages 121-128 of The Feedback Breakthrough, Matt explains why people will sometimes resist our feedback and what we can do about it.)

Of course, if this approach does not lead to a resolution and this is an important performance issue, you have three more options:

• If all else fails, talk about imposed consequences such as formal discipline. (For a discussion on this topic, read pages 91-92, and 128 in The Feedback Breakthrough.)
• Put your concerns in writing. (See below.)
• Have a “career conversation.” (See below.)

Put Your Concerns in Writing

If all else fails, write the receiver a letter. The beauty of a letter is that it will get the attention of the receiver, and the receiver can’t ‘argue’ with it.

The letter should convey a helpful and non-punishing tone, and it needs to clearly and unambiguously state the following:

• Your intent (e.g., to help them succeed, to create or maintain a collaborative relationship, etc.).
• The nature of the problem and why it concerns you (the natural consequences).
• A summary of previous efforts to resolve the problem that have come up short.
• How resolving the problem is aligned with their interests.
• What will likely happen if the problem remains unresolved (natural consequences).
• An invitation to join you in dialogue, BUT only after they have had a day or two to think about it. You must give the person time to let the contents and implications of the letter sink in. Time will also provide them with the space to process their initial emotional reaction to your letter.
• A reaffirmation of your intent, your confidence in them, your desire to resolve the issue in a mutually beneficial way, and your hopes for an ongoing collaborative relationship.

This approach will definitely challenge your writing skills. Don’t give the individual the first letter you write. Sit on the letter a few days, and rewrite it several times—until it conveys just the right tone and message. Remember, the purpose of the letter is not to vent your frustrations or to punish. It is to clearly define the issue you need to address and to get the receiver’s attention so that you can have a productive two-way conversation. If you are very angry, get it all out in the first letter—and then throw it in the trash and start over.

We do not recommend including any imposed consequences in your letter. A written statement about imposed consequences will probably be seen as a threat and is likely to foster resentment. If, however, the follow-up conversation fails to secure the cooperation of the receiver, then a discussion about imposed consequences (including informal or formal disciplinary procedures) may be in order.

One might well ask, “Why a letter and not an email? Emails are the norm in business, and they are a lot more convenient, so why not send an email?”

The question to ask yourself is, “Which is more likely to get the full attention of the receiver?” Receiving a letter is a rare occurrence for most people today. Emails, on the other hand, are ubiquitous and routine, and people are often overwhelmed by the volume of emails they receive. If your previous efforts to get someone’s attention have failed, and you want their undivided attention, a letter might work wonders. If, on the other hand, you think that would be overkill, send an email.

Have a Career Conversation

In the end, it may become apparent that the individual is not a good fit for the team or the company, either because they don’t have the requisite talents, or because their personal goals and interests do not align with those of the team or organization. Either way, their interests will be best served by finding a new role that is a better fit—be that on another team or with another company. The most helpful thing you can do at this point is assist the receiver in exploring their options. This should not be considered a sign of failure. On the contrary, helping the individual find a better fit for their talents and interests is a win for both the individual and the company.

5. What if my emotions are derailing my feedback conversations?

Sometimes our feedback conversations are undermined by our own emotions. If this is the case, we recommend that you read our free online paper, How to Manage Your Emotions: Seven Powerful Techniques to Help You Keep Your Head When All Around You are Losing Theirs.

“If we alter our explanatory style and define
events as temporary, transient and changeable,
past patterns can be undone like a knotted shoelace.
Those who remain optimistic in the teeth of
life’s setbacks tend to keep trying.”
—Susan Clark,
“The Stories We Tell Ourselves,”
Positive Psychology, June 30, 2011.

“It is vital that we are equipped with
the humility to understand that changing
the world and keeping innovation alive
require that we change ourselves.”
—Whitney Johnson

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