The experience described below, told to Nigel Bristow by a work colleague, is taken from the introduction to Part Two of The Feedback Breakthrough. It is a cautionary tale for both givers and receivers of feedback:

• “In my first job after graduation I worked for a really nice manager. He often complimented me on my work and offered words of encouragement. Sometimes his positive feedback was followed by a suggestion that I consider doing something differently. He always ended the conversation on a positive note by telling me how impressed he was with my progress. Given all the praise I was getting, my confidence and self-esteem were higher than they’d ever been—until the day he called me into his office and fired me for being unresponsive to his counseling. It’s ironic. The manager who did me the greatest disservice was also the ‘nicest’ manager I’ve ever had.”

Although we place most of the blame for the above miscommunication at the feet of the manager, our colleague might have fared better had she been aware of this observation by Wilfred A. Peterson:

   “Critics wake us up. Kindness often covers up the truth and allows us to sleep on in our ignorance.”

The “nice” manager did our colleague a great disservice by failing to give her clear and unambiguous feedback. His feedback was lopsided—too much sugar and tact and not enough candor or clarity. Being nice, respectful, and tactful is not a justification for giving anyone wishy-washy, vague, or ambiguous feedback. As we demonstrate in Part 2 of The Feedback Breakthrough, it is possible to be tactful, respectful, and nice while also delivering feedback that is direct, clear, and unambiguous.

The experience of our colleague—being undermined by the lack of clear and candid feedback—is unfortunately the rule rather than the exception in most organizations. In a study by Leadership IQ involving 30,000 employees, only 43 percent confirmed, “I frequently or always know whether my performance” is where it should be. 21 percent said they “never know,” 15 percent said they “rarely know,” and 21 percent said they “occasionally know.” Not only do 57 percent of employees say they are flying blind much or most of the time, but nine out of ten managers in the study admitted to withholding feedback for fear the receiver would react negatively.

So where does this fear of giving feedback come from? From our experiences—many going all the way back to childhood. Experience often teaches us that most people react negatively to candid feedback—even when it is constructive. Many recipients become defensive. Some get angry. Others lose motivation, grow less cooperative, and even retaliate against the giver. In time, most of us learn to rein in our candor, especially when giving feedback to people with whom we expect to have an ongoing relationship.

The aversion to speaking candidly means that you, as a receiver of feedback, have to be adept at reading between the lines, picking up on subtle hints, and recognizing gentle suggestions for what they often are: diplomatic ways tactful people tell us we need to change.

This aversion to delivering honest feedback also means that each of us has to become more skilled at (1) seeking out candid feedback, (2) asking the right questions, and (3) responding to criticism in such a way that the feedback giver feels appreciated for sharing insights that may be hard for us to hear. (If you are among the 57 percent of people who feel they are often left in the dark at work, Part One of The Feedback Breakthrough was written to give you the skills and insights you need to get more timely and honest feedback.)

As a leader, you must not let your kindness—a laudable trait—prevent you from delivering candid but potentially career-saving feedback. There is no kindness in letting someone flounder in the dark. In fact, the greatest kindness is to give timely and honest feedback that empowers others to make informed decisions about their behavior and performance. (Part Two of The Feedback Breakthrough was written to help leaders master the art and science of giving effective feedback.)